Blood Money

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Can you imagine a life lived with out guilt.  A life in which you are no longer affected by the consequences of guilt.  I am not talking about conviction, meaning that you have the opportunity to do the right thing and you have not followed through.  I am talking about guilt, carrying the weight of past decisions and actions that you do not have the ability to correct; or carrying the load of expectations that you or someone else has put on you to perform or behave in a specific way.

Can you imagine having a day in which you were not guilted into getting out of bed because you don’t want people to think you are lazy.  Guilting yourself into not having a piece of bacon because you don’t want people to think that you are fat.  Guilting yourself into going to work out because of the same.  Then guilting yourself into having a salad for lunch for again the same reason.  Guilting yourself into maintaining relationships with friends and family because they have convinced you that they need you, and you can’t leave them hanging; or they have convinced you that they will no longer talk to you if you change the rules of the relationship.

Guilting yourself into making sure that your kids are busy because you don’t want to be responsible for them not being successful.  Guilting yourself out of having hard conversations because you don’t want to be the one that causes the tension in the marriage.

Then there is the guilt, or rather regret of past decisions and actions, broken relationships, unintended consequences; and any times things that you did not have any control over.

This is not a call for lazy people to get lazier; If you have not gotten your life started, get moving.  That was conviction, not guilt.

I believe guilt is carried because a desire to be something that we are not, perfect.  Guilt comes from a lack of security in identity, otherwise we would not pause to say or do, or do not.  Regret is so painful because we know that we cannot change somethings, but in some subconscious way we are trying to pay penance through holding on to it.  I am not exempt from this.

Sometimes I think that guilt and regret are just counterfeit money that I am trying to use in place of the real stuff like love and forgiveness.

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