It’s Just a Stupid Sandwich!


I wonder if you all have gone through the process that I have described below?  All I had to do the other day was find something to eat in order to get me from breakfast to dinner.  This led to what I like to refer to as the “Great Sandwich Negotiation.”

First I had to decide the place, that was not too difficult because I am cheap and I want to drive the shortest distance possible.  I chose Subway based on those two criterion (how’s that for a sophisticated palate).  Now that I am in the store there are so many things to over-think, I have a very deliberate system for determining which sandwich to purchase and consume.  First there was flavor; many people sadly will not list this as their first criterion, I refuse to make the first filter in my life “whether its good for me”.  The flavor piece narrowed my choices down to about five different subs.

Next filter, cost.  I refuse to pay for a “premium” sandwich at a premium price at a place that I can find at any strip mall between my house and my job.  The reason I am at Subway is because of cost and convenience, not because I am looking for an expensive sandwich that will still not taste as good as any local sandwich place.  If I wanted premium I would have went ANYWHERE ELSE but Subway.  So my first job is to see whether or not one of my favorite flavors is their $5 (5, 5$ , 5$ footlong, any, any, any…..) footlong.  Needless to say, it is not; that would have made my decision easy.  So now I have to decide if I am going to be able to survive on a 6″ because I am too cheap to pay the regular price for a footlong sandwich.  I am down to about three choices.

My next filter is dietary, which of these options is better for me.  Like I said I refuse to make this my first filter, sadly it is not my last.  At this point I am also deciding about bread options, and deciding whether or not I will go for the contrivance that they call “whole wheat”.  I could also go for the rubbery flat bread.  This is not intended, by the way, to be a critique of Subway; they just happen to be a very good example of my ability to overthink very simply things.  I am now down to two options, neither of which are the ideal deli sandwich that I would like, but they have made it through my grid.

My last filter is what I like to call the “Old Man” filter.  This is the filter that asks the question “will this give me heartburn?”  I remember when I was a 6 foot tall, 175 lbs kid that could eat all day and not worry about weight or heartburn.  Now in the midst of complaining about aching knees, “the way things used to be”, and trying to keep up with technology, I have to ask the question about whether this sandwich will sit well in my tummy.

One sandwich made it through the grid.  The sandwich I want is at the local deli down the street, the sandwich I am eating will be ultimately forgettable, but not regrettable.  My decision making ability has thwarted a good meal once again.


Jar Jar Tolkien


I know that I have not written in awhile so Blog logic (blogic) tells me that only about 5 people will read this.  But I wanted to let everyone know that I am an idiot.  Do you want to know why I haven’t written in the last three months?  I have been finishing the hardest semester of school, while trying to keep up with four young children, while covering for my Senior Pastor who is on a much needed sabbatical, while coaching a baseball team, while moving.  Now you are saying “Bart, I didn’t ask why.  I am only reading this blog this morning because I thought you were dead.”

Now the school thing, the work thing, and the family thing are just part of my life now.  The moving thing and the baseball thing were acts of pure lunacy.  I volunteered to coach my two youngest sons baseball team because I figured if I coached then I could control the practice calendar.  This would give me the ability to have this team work around my schedule and not the other way around.  I coached the team last year, and wanted to coach this year, but I initially did not see it as feasible.  There is however one thing that little league does not tell you; coaching is a part time job with no pay.  It is not actually being with the kids during practices and games, I love that part, it is the fund-raising, the Mariner’s Game paperwork, the release forms, the background checks, etc.

The moving is a total blessing, coming at the worst time ever.  We moved into a house that is about 1000 square feet bigger, on an acre of property, closer to work.  I told God (that’s right, I told Him) that we needed to move to a house that was closer, bigger, and/or cheaper, otherwise it would not make sense.  This house is closer, bigger, and cheaper; we could not have got a better deal.  Trying to move while doing everything else was like trying to fit my oddly proportioned legs into skinny jeans (get that image out of your head).  We are in the house now and getting comfortable, it’s wonderful.

The title of my blog, by the way, is from a conversation that I had with my son Nathan.  He told me that Jar Jar Tolkien wrote the Hobbit, after correcting him I tried to imagine a book being written by Jar Jar Binks.  Maybe a children’s novel, or a book on intergalactic diplomacy.  I would appreciate your feed back on this pondering.